The Difficulty of Freedom

This is my daughter spreading her wings on the school’s sidewalk last week on Halloween. It took her a few tries raising her arms, walking back and forth, before she finally let it carry her and began to “fly”. She's growing up and losing some of her more child-like inclinations.

I came home the other day to find my son listening to music and still doing the dishes. He had been doing them when I left for an appointment - an hour and a half earlier. I entered the kitchen and shot off rapid fire questions regarding his delay. He admitted he'd been goofing around. I appreciated his honesty, obvious as it was, but only expressed my frustration that he had not begun his schoolwork. His eyes lightly swelled with tears as I left the room.


This weekend my husband and I attended an evening wedding and reception. The kids were with friends so we were able to stay late and dance the night away. It was a lovely evening. Later, my husband said that he wished he could “let go” more when he dances. “Like you do”, he said.

But you know what, I don't let go either. I often come to a place in my dancing repertoire where I want to go bigger and free-er, but am unsure of what to do. I shrink back into doing what I know.

Freedom. Oddly, it’s something that most of us don't do well. It requires being vulnerable. And we really don't do that well.

Our free-selves have been criticized, teased, or shamed. We've learned that these expressions can separate us from people, cause us to feel like we don't belong, or even that we’ve done something wrong. Freedom can also be awkward and uncomfortable, like muscles seldom worked.

I was moved by my son's watery eyes, so I somewhat clumsily slipped into his shoes for a moment and remembered what it was like to have the house to myself as a kid. It didn't happen often. I recalled having the music loud; singing the Bangles at the top of my lungs, dancing, pretending, burping, leaping, or whatever I felt like doing in the moment, no inhibitions. The freedom to be me and not worry about having anyone around to criticize, laugh, or...confine me. And so I went back and apologized. His watery eyes were the extract of squashed freedom. He was having harmless fun and his future career as a professional gamer, the next Indiana Jones, or James Patterson, were not in jeopardy. 

In one week alone I was gifted with these family reminders of how surprisingly difficult freedom can be, even among those closest to us.

If it's so hard for you and me in these small moments of pretending, dancing, and goofing around then how overwhelming is freedom to those released from incarceration where the stakes are greater? Once they step outside the gates the choices must be overwhelming, where fears, insecurities, and past mistakes haunt every decision. Can we slip into their shoes and imagine how freedom may actually be fear inducing?
 
Imagine how strangely problematic it can be to maneuver such a wonderful thing.
 
N2LIFE Project offers a plan for navigating freedom, tempering fears and uncertainty, and inviting both mentors and clients into liberation. If you are interested in or have questions about mentoring an individual, please contact us at n2lifeproject@gmail.com.

Julie